A Gay Man, A Football, A Dream

Gerald "Jerry" Sanford Smith (July 19, 1943 – October 15, 1986) was a professional American football tight end for the National Football League's Washington Redskins from 1965–1977. Photo re-posted from: http://www.vixenvarsity.com/2014/01/24/why-no-gay-active-player-will-ever-come-out-in-the-nfl/#.VdRCyEnovIU

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to work with a professional athlete on an LGBT campaign. Of course it would be great if they were an Ally too. (Thank you Ben Cohen) It would be interesting to think about what impact that could have on youth across the globe, and even for parents of LGBT children. When I grew up I wasn't very confident when it came to sports. Not only was I inexperienced, I was also very shy. This got worse through middle school and into high-school. By the time I got the courage to pursue any sport (American Football), it was already too late to join any school-related group.

I wonder if being LGBT also held me back somehow. Did it give me one more reason to not participate? Yes. I can say that with certainty. Would I have been a lot better at sports if I wasn't LGBT - of course not! haha. But I might have practiced with friends if I felt comfortable with them. I just didn't know how to fit in as an athlete. To be in the 'jock' crowd can mean different things depending on where and when one goes to school. Even if it would have worked out fine, I didn't know it. No one at my school was there to guide me and show me how that would work. Then again, I never asked for help. I did occasionally chat with the football coaches but never acknowledging my orientation. That was a major piece missing. I was too intimidated.



"Michael Sam final Mizzou home game" by Marcus Qwertyus - Own work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Commons - https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Michael_Sam_final_Mizzou_home_game.jpg#/media/File:Michael_Sam_final_Mizzou_home_game.jpg

Although there seems to be many LGBT athletes out there, I wish that I knew of any gay men as players in sports I was interested in, like: American Football (more recently: Michael Sam, Wade Davis, Alan Gendreau, Kwame Harris, Brian Sims, Esera Tuaolo), Boxing (Orlando Cruz), or Bodybuilding growing up. That might have given me the motivation I needed to start earlier. I must say it is so encouraging to see diversity coming through now from athletes like Caitlyn Jenner. The list of out athletes seems to grow every day. Certainly there are numerous athletes in other sports that have paved the way for more recent out athletes. Especially many props to the numerous Lesbian athletes who pushed through so many barriers to challenge stereotypes in sports and to put everything on the line to be themselves. I don't imagine it is easy for any professional athlete to come out as LGBT or even an Ally. When one's career is tied to sexual orientation (or can be influenced by), it makes it that much harder, and certainly more of a game-changer to come out (no pun intended). I would love to read more from these out athletes. If anyone has a suggestion, please comment below.
I'm thinking

After crossing the finish line! - 545 miles from San Francisco to Los Angeles, AIDS Lifecycle

Well, I'm a bit older now, and have played football with friends, taken boxing classes, and have been lifting weights at the gym for over 5 years now. It is interesting that this is still an interest of mine. It never went away. That is my happy place now.

Who knows if I will ever get a chance to even talk with an out athlete - To toss the pigskin around with Conner Mertens, learn to combo with Orlando Cruz, do a bench press with Bob Paris, or wrestle with Darren Young All I can say is that it would be an honor to do so. One can still hope, right?

Btw, check out this article regarding players coming out in sports. >>>> http://www.vixenvarsity.com/2014/01/24/why-no-gay-active-player-will-ever-come-out-in-the-nfl/#.VdRDWknovIV Do you Agree?



Running at the National Mall

My Must-Do Bucket List

I was tempted to add "Ride the Hogwarts Express" lol

Kicking the bucket, originally a term referring to act of using a beam used to slaughter a pig (which would often kick), now is used as a device to narrow down 'must-do' items. Obviously the goal is to do them before one dies... but how would one do them otherwise? ANYWAY...

As I get older I find that this list changes a little. I discover more things about the world and about myself that lead me to desire new things - things I never knew existed or that I wouldn't previously believe to be that enjoyable for me.

I'm 33 years old. It's August 19, 2015. Here are 20 items from my current list:

20. Work in Foreign Service as a Diplomat for +United Nations or +U.S. Department of State
19. Support new LGBT Pride Parades across the globe
18. Create a nest-egg
17. Skydiving, bungee-jumping, hang-gliding, etc.
16. Open my own gym/get Personal Training certified
15. Find my true calling
14. Gain a deeper understanding of my family history
13. Work in the medical field as a nurse
12. Get my pilot's license
11. Climb extreme heights
10. Create a music video
9. Be a part of an acting or artist collaborative group/troupe
8. Read the 1000 best books of all-time.
7. Have kids, raise these kids, and be on good terms with said kids into adulthood.
6. Write an allegorical novel
5. Be able to understand on a basic level (at least): Arabic, Russian, Serbo-Croatian, Swahili, Japanese, Punjabi, Tagalog,  Javanese, Vietnamese, Portuguese, Korean, Bengali, German, Persian, Cantonese, and Thai.
4. Learn to love a sport
3. Be able to speak fluently - Spanish, Albanian, Mandarin, French, and Hindi
2. Meet and work on an LGBT campaign with one of the following: +Macklemore & Ryan Lewis +conoroberst +JennyLewis +benkweller +Madonna +Lady Gaga +Sir Ian McKellen +Angelina Jolie as Goodwill Ambassador

Some previous bucket list items accomplished:
1. Meet the president
2. Volunteer for my country through service (Peace Corps)
3. Fly a plane
4. Save a life
5. Volunteer at a local health clinic
6. Learn another language - Spanish, Albanian, Latin

Thank you readers - We reached 4,000+ views!

Gaining perspective every day, every post

 

 

50 posts later and I am starting to find my voice. I never really lost it. In fact, I am still trying to find it. I have lived so very long in a shell of my own making. It used to be a comfortable shell, one that protects me from conflict, and gives me the illusion of control. Now it suffocates me, traps me in, and makes me feel weak and uncertain. I have found that writing allows me to express myself and break out of the shell. For this to happen, I must write from the heart. I must not write what others want to hear. I get nothing from that. In fact, that kind of writing makes me not want to write anymore. It is simply writing for mass-consumption and that just doesn't come from the same place. When I speak my truth, it may not always be coherent, important or even interesting. While what I write may not resonate with a lot of people, I certainly get a lot out of it. I enjoy the process of creation, the inspection of the uncomfortable, and the thrill of diving into controversy. Maybe there are people out there that can relate.  

 

That being said, someone must be reading this. Well. You are. lol

 

Thanks!

Oh God, Grant Me The Serenity...

I find that my more interesting days happen when I pray in the morning. One of my usual prayers is that I ask God/Higher Power/etc. for the power to let go.

It is not that I don't care. Completely the opposite. I care too much. So much so that I worry excessively at times and that can prevent me from being of service to others. I pray not for the willingness to ignore my responsibilities but rather the strength to be present and to release my fears so that I can enjoy this amazing experience.

Living alone can be a challenge at times. I really have to be on guard and watch out for my character defects - particularly re: fear, jealousy, self-pity, and ego/self-importance. When I don't have someone evaluating me constantly, I must do so on my own. As with any job, I want to do my best and to make sure not to fall behind. Sometimes I think that my mind tends to expect more of myself in times like this. It also tends to project the accomplishments and accolades of other people onto me. This is quite easy given a flexible schedule and regular access to social media/facebook. The truth is, the work of other volunteers has no bearing on my experience. It is up to me to face what challenges may come, and to acknowledge personal victories. I can't compare myself to others, because we all have such different experiences. We come from different backgrounds, different places, and have different experiences, challenges, and comfort zones. As they often say in Peace Corps ad nauseum "Every volunteer's experience is different." Well.... yeah, it kind of is. ;-)

A Question of Safety

On the question of whether LGBT work in Albania is safe for a Peace Corps Volunteer...

I dare say that no one quite knows... and that's what makes people worry. It makes Peace Corps staff and volunteers worry, it makes my friends and family worry, and yes, it even makes me worry (at times). Sure there are plenty of examples of activism meeting hostility - outside and inside Albanian borders. What does that mean? Does it mean that this type of work should stop? Does it meant that the Albanian people no longer need support from outside NGO's and governmental organizations alike? Does it meant that we should all assume the absolute worst and plan as if that is truth? Well, no... It certainly doesn't mean any of that.

It should mean that we tread lightly at times, and with more confidence at others. We should always tread. Goal#1 of Peace Corps - Provide technical assistance where needed. We as volunteers have an invisible pull string that can used to evacuate us anytime from anywhere when we are in trouble. Not so for the host country nationals we work with. I feel that the onus is on us to provide the crucial assistance needed to keep things moving along. As I keep reiterating, there is so much going on with LGBT rights in Albania already, we simply must support these efforts when we can.

I admit that it can be an arduous task for any supervisor to sign off on things that could be stigmatized. For those of you who know me, and my line of work - a lot of what I do can be seen as controversial in conservative circles - LGBT Work, MSM outreach, and HIV. Yet is it? I don't think anyone really knows what the reaction is going to be in this time, place and circumstance. It is going to be met with hostility? Or it is already yesterday's news?

Oh btw, to get the inside scoop, be sure to check out this amazing website of my friend (a journalist/activist here in Albania) - http://historia-ime.com/

New Frontiers

How does one do LGBT outreach out here?

As a sort of update on the 'LGBT thing,' I have resolved to become more open in my community here in Albania. I'm in a relatively-small town with a large number of families. It may not be a particularly easy place to build awareness of LGBT issues, but after a lot of soul-searching, I have decided that doing outreach in this particular environment might actually be more beneficial than in more-developed urban areas of the country.

I have been more open with my facebook posts lately and have 'liked' and shared posts relating to LGBT rights. So far, no negative reactions. Let's hope things stay that way!

LGBT Life in Albania

Letting the PRIDE flag fly at Tirana Pride 2015

When I tell people that I am working on LGBT issues while serving in Peace Corps in Albania, they often react with shock. Here are the most common questions I get:

"Is that possible?"
"Is that safe?"
"Aren't you afraid?"
"I heard that Albania is an Islamic country. Doesn't that make it dangerous?"

Well, to answer each question, here goes:

Is that possible?

A fellow PCV helps me show off my PRIDE at the 2015 march

It's entirely possible. From what I have seen here, the beginnings of a civil rights movement are well underway, and progress is moving towards making Albania a safer place for LGBT people to live. (Insert caveats galore) Many other Peace Corps volunteers are LGBT allies and have really shown a lot of support for LGBT efforts here.

Is that safe?

Xheni & Kristi, two amazing civil rights leaders in Albania (at 2014 Gay Ride)

Well, as safe as this kind of work can be! Many Albanians who work in the field in Albania are not necessarily 'out' in their home communities. Although they may be associated with certain well-known LGBT people, there doesn't appear to be a lot of outright hostility towards them from the general community. I can only speak to what I've heard, seen, and perceived while serving out here for the last 17 months. The first gay bicycle ride in the capital city of Tirana was seen with explosives. This did not deter the brave men and women who continued to ride in the face of hatred and injustice several years ago. Since then it seems that the violence lessens with each coming year. This year the so-called 'gay ride' and pride march saw minimal hostility (except for a rogue egg thrown). So is it safe? Seemingly more so than may be expected...


Aren't you afraid?

Holding the PRIDE Flag in the pouring rain (Tirana Pride 2014)

No. I live for this kind of work. I have so many privileges as an American citizen. I feel it my duty to help where it is needed. Having grown up in San Francisco, I have heard about the devastation of the AIDS crisis and have seen the giant PRIDE parades each year celebrating the LGBT pride. It was always very encouraging and inspiring to think that only 40 years earlier, these sorts of parades would be illegal and participants would be subjected to violence. I always think back to those people who marched when the parades did not feature scantily-clad boys dancing on a float with techno music blaring in the background. In those days it didn't mean hundreds of thousands of folks drinking over-priced beer, getting various degrees of sunburn, and purchasing rainbow chotchkies galore. Yeah it's fun. It's really fun. But where would be were those brave activists, together with their families, friends and allies marching together in the early days? LGBT people would still be hiding in bars, trying to avoid persecution from society and even the police. So when I see amazing women and men out here in Albania putting themselves out there and speaking up for the LGBT community, I feel an incredible sense of pride to march with them. If someone throws something at me, I will march that much prouder. Because progress is happening here and no one can stop it. If I fall, 10 people will take my place.


"I heard that Albania is an Islamic country. Doesn't that make it dangerous?"

Marching down the streets of Tirana at Pride 2014

Religious practices were outlawed in Albania in 1967, and later allowed again. It seems that the tension and conflict often associated with religion has somewhat dissolved. Many Albanians in fact pride themselves on their religious tolerance. Albania was even once called the 'first Atheist nation'. Politicians don't hold religious platforms like they do in the US. (Read: Hardliners Nightmare - Newsweek) As Albania is now an European Union applicant, they must ensure that certain human rights reforms and protections are in place (and enforced). This has encouraged the Albanian government to push for LGBT reforms faster than otherwise would be the case. Although laws have been written to protect LGBT people from discrimination, there is a lot to be done to ensure that this is actually the case, and that LGBT citizens gain the protections promised to them from their government. Luckily, there are community activists at a few passionate NGOs in Albania who are holding the policy-makers accountable, and advocate on behalf of LGBT citizens. I am so damn proud to call these folks my coworkers (and my friends). :-)

Note: There is a lot more information to share about LGBT efforts in Albania. This includes the work of numerous NGOs, individuals, groups and community leaders. They have done so much, that it is quite hard to summarize in such a short post. This is meant to be a first post on the topic - a quick peek into my work with LGBT issues in Peace Corps. I look forward to highlighting their work in subsequent posts. Please let me know if you have any specific questions - comment below!