The Aftermath

So as many of you have read, I recently came out of the closet in my town here in Albania. I wanted to do just a bit of follow up.

The Good

Firstly, I am safe. Reactions in my town have been primarily positive. I haven't had any graffiti sprayed across my door nor any rocks thrown through my windows. I haven't had altercations in the streets nor any verbal abuse from the locals. In fact I have had more than a few people become great allies through this experience.

Some local gay people have contacted me and thanked me for coming out, as they don't have the ability to do so here in Albania. That really made me happy to hear! That is exactly why I am doing this. I am trying to use my influence here as an American to do something that others are not able to do.

As a result of my last blog post, I was invited to share about Civil Rights at a book fair in Tirana on Sunday, at a pavilion hosted by the US Embassy. I spoke about my coming out experience as well as a famous San Francisco LGBT Activist named Harvey Milk. 

The Bad

I have had a couple negative reactions, mostly from younger adults. There are now some people here who don't talk to me anymore. I have had one person un-friend me on Facebook and one person block me after un-friending me. Note that I had been friends with both of them for more than a year now. I will admit, it does hurt to have relationships thrown away over something that I cannot change. That is always the risk of coming out. That was the reason that I didn't feel connected to my friends here. So-called 'good friendships' could easily turn into hostile relationships should people discover my little secret. Frankly, I would rather be hated for who I am than be loved from who I am not. The benefit of coming out is that you find people who are willing to love and accept you for who you are.

The Uncertain Future

Who knows what will happen tomorrow or the next day. I will still be here for another 8 months.

I knew that going into this would mean treading new waters. The dangers are not clearly identified and protection is not guaranteed. I get varying degrees of support from friends. Some dissuading me from this type of work, while others being my dearest cheerleaders. Even my good friends who are regularly checking in with me to see how I am doing and dealing with things cannot protect me from the occasional worry that occupies my mind late at night. This worry takes the form of doubt to whether I am making the right choices. I really wish that I had someone next to me to help me through this step-by-step. (I suppose we all do...) I don't have a guide nor the experience, and at times I feel a bit of panic. "Was that too much?" "Are people going to judge me?" "Did I say the right thing?" "Are folks who constantly tell me to be careful going to be there and support my decisions if something goes wrong?"

How can an activist do what they need to do without pushing through discomfort? Without trying something different and bold, and even potentially dangerous? Where would our civil rights be if people never wanted to rock the boat? Who would people follow if no one spoke up? No one is perfect, yet when we look back in history we tend to idolize certain people in the civil rights movement. We clear them of imperfections and put them high on a pedestal. We make them more than human. Yet they all are human. They, like us, like me, have faults. I can only do the best with what I have. I try to tell myself that I don't have to be perfect. I try to be brave and do what my heart tells me is right, despite the fear. I suppose that is what really matters.