'Operation Closet Door' (Here's where the fun begins!)

So I decided to come out to my best friend in my site. I had been wanting to do so for a long time now. I felt it necessary to be more open and honest with close friends. I would, of course, love to be more open and honest with my entire community, but I am not sure how that would roll out. For now, I am starting with my friends.

I was happy to find that it was not an issue for him. In fact, he half-suspected already and was very supportive. I hadn't stated it specifically, but I'm sure he could tell for various reasons. I was so relieved! I really can't articulate the feeling of having that conversation go well. It feels amazing.

At a certain point in my service, I was becoming frustrated at the lack of close friends I had at site. By close friends, I mean those who would not treat me poorly once they found out about my orientation. It is hard for me to invest time in a relationship knowing that there is a possibility that the other person would end up hating me. Would you? I have to make friends to integrate, and so I did. But, there was always that secret. I didn't feel like they would be anything more than acquaintances. It is nice to have those folks who I can say 'hi' to everyday on my way down the main street in town. Some of these acquaintances can turn into interesting friendships (gym buddies, people to chat and have coffee with, colleagues, etc). Others don't go much further than the following conversation. Note: The word 'Cune' (pronounced "Ch-oon") is a young male:

Me: 'C'kemi?'(what's up?)
Cune: 'Xhoni! O daku! C'kemi?' (Jon! Oh, dude! What's up?)
Me: Hiq ('nothing')
Cune: Hey, you like Albanian girls? (in English)
Me: Ummm... Sure. I guess.
Cune: They are hotter than American girls? (in English)
Me: They do have very nice hair...
Cune: Maybe you will get married to an Albanian girl one day!
Me: Po.... hahahahaha.... Ah k'shu (Yes, haha, well then...)
*Cough*
(Awkward pause)
Cune: Mire, shihemi me vone! (Good, see you later!)
Me: Shihemi. Pacim! (See you! Bye!)

End scene

I feel like interactions like this make it harder to connect. Talking about women, sex, and drugs is often seen as a way the Albanian guys try to connect with us male American volunteers. I seems like they think we love to talk about girls and drugs all the time, and so they start off like that. I do see potential here for deeper understanding, but honestly I'm not sure how much time that would take. It can be challenging to strike up a meaningful conversation in passing (for both sides). Of course, not all guys are like this. The above conversation merely represents a group of conversations and interactions I've had since coming to Albania. There are countless amazing young men in Albania. One must always acknowledge that, while discussing such things.

That being said, I have seen that when guys are in a group, they tend to speak in this way. They tend to joke a lot more, speak more bluntly, and talk about this kind of subject matter. When alone, it seems that they open up more about themselves and are a bit easier to engage with. Maybe that's a global phenomenon!

Peace Corps was initially a bit scared when I spoke about 'coming out' in my community. They reminded me of the option to evacuate should I require assistance. haha... Although it scared me a bit at first, later I felt comforted by such words. After all, nobody really knows what the reactions might be. This is a post-communist, highly traditional, primarily Islamic country. But once I get past all that, I see hope. I see possibility. I see the vision of Albanian LGBT society living openly and in the light of their communities. I see that future for them, and for me.

I decided that I need to try to come out to my community. I have named this self-imposed assignment  "Operation Closet Door." :-) So far, so good. I haven't encountered any drama, violence, threats, or harassment... yet. It is not easy opening up this topic in a place where such things are never discussed. I feel it my duty as an LGBT activist to have those awkward conversations, and open the door to Albanians who live here. They might not feel comfortable being the first to talk about such things. I also feel it my duty as an American to help. Somebody has to! As Peace Corps has so kindly reminded me - I have the protection of the American Government on my side. If I can use that privilege to help closeted LGBT men and women living here, then that's precisely what I plan to do.

OMG... SUMMER HAPPENED! (PHOTOS)

It has been 18 months since I left California for Albania. A lot has happened, some things never happened, and there are a lot more things yet to happen in the months to come. So...

Summertime for this Peace Corps Volunteer means summer camps and secondary projects! Woop woop!

Here are some summer highlights:

For a short while, I was on an Albanian Fitness TV Show! lol

Me and Alba are all smiles helping the kids in our community brighten theirs!

OMG it's my parents! In Scotland!

At Kampi Pa Emer - Face-painting Day! So much fun...

Getting ready for Matura (Albanian Traditional Promenade)

Popped into the Senate on the last day of the Patriot Act, said 'hey' to Sen. Paul

Exploring the UK and Ireland with my boo

Showing our PRIDE in Albania!

ZUMBAAAAAAA!

Meet and greet with our new Ambassador Donald Lu

• Rode a gomar (that's a donkey)
• Tried on a traditional Albanian outfit
• Participated in the annual Matura prom ceremony in my town
• Taught Zumba with kids
• Taught Zumba with even littler kids!
• Was a Camp Counselor for the fabulous Kampi Pa Emer!
• Marched with my fellow Peace Corps Volunteers and welcomed the US Ambassador at  Tirana Pride.
• Worked with Peace Corps Washington on development of LGBTI Handbook.
• Took a vacation in the UK/Ireland with Sid, met up with parents in Scotland
• Visited family and had family reunion in DC/Maryland Area.
• Worked on a SPA Grant Application with fellow PCV's and two amazing NGO's in Albania on LGBT Awareness.
• Did a regular fitness spot for Albanian TV (A1Report) called Good Morning Fitness.
• Did a retreat with the amazing Gender And Diversity Committee to plan the upcoming year.
• Welcomed a new PCV to my site! :-D
• Marching with my fellow Peace Corps Volunteers and welcoming the US Ambassador at the Tirana Pride Parade
• Went fishing in the river with only a jar and some bread! (Yeah, it's a thing) 
• Personal training with folks at the local gym

What's on the horizon:

• Getting ready to start my grant project and visit remote, poor village areas of my home for Breast Cancer education.
• New grant pending for LGBT Awareness through SPA Grant funds (Peace Corps) - we will visit regions across Albania to raise awareness of LGBT issues. So excited!
• Working on various LGBT initiatives with Peace Corps Albania and various NGO's in Albania - there are exciting things in the works... more on this soon.
• Coordinating a second clothing drive for the LGBT youth shelter of Albania (Streha).
• More Zumbaaaaaa! Of course.
• Rolling out various projects with the Gender And Diversity team! (More on this soon..)

  

Thank you readers - We reached 4,000+ views!

Gaining perspective every day, every post

 

 

50 posts later and I am starting to find my voice. I never really lost it. In fact, I am still trying to find it. I have lived so very long in a shell of my own making. It used to be a comfortable shell, one that protects me from conflict, and gives me the illusion of control. Now it suffocates me, traps me in, and makes me feel weak and uncertain. I have found that writing allows me to express myself and break out of the shell. For this to happen, I must write from the heart. I must not write what others want to hear. I get nothing from that. In fact, that kind of writing makes me not want to write anymore. It is simply writing for mass-consumption and that just doesn't come from the same place. When I speak my truth, it may not always be coherent, important or even interesting. While what I write may not resonate with a lot of people, I certainly get a lot out of it. I enjoy the process of creation, the inspection of the uncomfortable, and the thrill of diving into controversy. Maybe there are people out there that can relate.  

 

That being said, someone must be reading this. Well. You are. lol

 

Thanks!

A Question of Safety

On the question of whether LGBT work in Albania is safe for a Peace Corps Volunteer...

I dare say that no one quite knows... and that's what makes people worry. It makes Peace Corps staff and volunteers worry, it makes my friends and family worry, and yes, it even makes me worry (at times). Sure there are plenty of examples of activism meeting hostility - outside and inside Albanian borders. What does that mean? Does it mean that this type of work should stop? Does it meant that the Albanian people no longer need support from outside NGO's and governmental organizations alike? Does it meant that we should all assume the absolute worst and plan as if that is truth? Well, no... It certainly doesn't mean any of that.

It should mean that we tread lightly at times, and with more confidence at others. We should always tread. Goal#1 of Peace Corps - Provide technical assistance where needed. We as volunteers have an invisible pull string that can used to evacuate us anytime from anywhere when we are in trouble. Not so for the host country nationals we work with. I feel that the onus is on us to provide the crucial assistance needed to keep things moving along. As I keep reiterating, there is so much going on with LGBT rights in Albania already, we simply must support these efforts when we can.

I admit that it can be an arduous task for any supervisor to sign off on things that could be stigmatized. For those of you who know me, and my line of work - a lot of what I do can be seen as controversial in conservative circles - LGBT Work, MSM outreach, and HIV. Yet is it? I don't think anyone really knows what the reaction is going to be in this time, place and circumstance. It is going to be met with hostility? Or it is already yesterday's news?

Oh btw, to get the inside scoop, be sure to check out this amazing website of my friend (a journalist/activist here in Albania) - http://historia-ime.com/

New Frontiers

How does one do LGBT outreach out here?

As a sort of update on the 'LGBT thing,' I have resolved to become more open in my community here in Albania. I'm in a relatively-small town with a large number of families. It may not be a particularly easy place to build awareness of LGBT issues, but after a lot of soul-searching, I have decided that doing outreach in this particular environment might actually be more beneficial than in more-developed urban areas of the country.

I have been more open with my facebook posts lately and have 'liked' and shared posts relating to LGBT rights. So far, no negative reactions. Let's hope things stay that way!

Family, Friends and a Filibuster

In front of some house

So... I was sent back to the US for a month for a medical issue (turned out to be nothing, so I'm very glad). Since I was in the US, and was what I call a "walking wounded," I decided to take advantage of my "forced vacation."
First I have to say that the most common fear in Peace Corps (from what I gather from my fellow PCV's) is being sent home before the end of service. When I was told that I needed to go back for a while, I was less than happy to say the least. I was only 14 months into my 27 months of service. It was hard emotionally, as the process was not clear and I had a lot of unanswered questions. Harder than that, I felt that my medical decisions were being made by my employer - a scary concept. To make things even more nerve-wrecking, my employment status was contingent on how their assessment would go before 45 days of 'med-evac' were up. 

Back in Albania!

A common theme in my peace corps service is that I have to be flexible and just try to navigate every situation that comes up. There isn't always an easy answer for problems. Such as in life in general. So as I waited in my apartment in Eastern Albania for the PC Washington office to decide what to do, I was sitting with a lot of feelings. Fear of what the future will hold. Since I am 9 hours ahead of my friends and family in California, I don't always get to contact them when I would like. Hardship.

Luckily I have some good Peace Corps friends that I can call. Sometimes I need help, sometimes they do. Making close friends as an adult can be harder than it seems. Which is why I really value any new friend I make in Peace Corps. Locals or other Americans. I really rely on my local social network in times like these.

So what did I do for a month? Helping out at the Peace Corps Office in DC with LGBT initiatives (they have a great team there!), going on medical visits, and coordinating some projects in Albania (remotely that is!)... and:
1. Lots of reading! Favorite was Carlos Castaneda's Return to Ixtlan
2. Ran the National Mall listening to Belle and Sebastian's 'Dear Catastrophe Waitress'
3. Ran to Maryland along the beautiful C&O Towpath to The Decemberists
4. Ate cheddar cheese, Mexican and Chinese food as much as possible. Went to Trader Joe's every day. haha
5. Did a family reunion and spent time reconnecting with my family, and even meeting some new cousins! A lot of my family lives in the Maryland area, so I really lucked out there.
6. Went to the US Capitol, sat in on the Patriot Act expiration session with Sen. Paul. Tried not to laugh as I heard someone's cell phone (someone on the floor!) go off during Sen. Paul's last speech - It was "Let It Go" from Disney's Frozen. LOL
7. Holocaust Museum, Newseum, Portrait Gallery, ALL Memorials, the Archives, saw the Magna Carta, Declaration of Independence, Bill of Rights, and the Constitution., Hope Diamond (at Smithsonian Museum of Natural History), Experienced the biggest Memorial Day parade I've ever seen!
8. Regained my LGBT card, went clubbing with some PC friends and new friends!
9. Spent some good quality time with my brother and his family in Brooklyn. First time reading a story to my niece. AMAZING.
10. Oh yeah, and hung out with Sid in NYC, saw Book of Mormon, met Sid's cool friends, chilled VIP at the Clean Bandit concert with Janelle Monae.. ;-)